I have been filling my head with all sorts of information and pushing to learn more. What has been lacking is the actual implementation of the lessons learned. Making time to DO the stuff and not just KNOW the stuff.
I’ve spent my “best years” raising the children/keeping the household going while my husband focused on career followed by parents needing assistance…and adult children that needed help. Grand kids… dogs…cats… a house filled with stuff and projects that have needed action…
I tried to get involved in things that mattered to me but it kept seeming like I could only squeeze those things into slivers of my life instead of being able to pursue fully. My office, office closet, and spare bedroom became testament of the wild pursuit of mine to find my thing but “get to it later”. I tried…I know a lot of things. I know how a lot of things work. I thought I would spend time building a business helping others know those things.
This past year and so of dealing with grief, the formal diagnosis of the mental health struggles of my adult daughter and the fallout from that struggle, struggles of mid life marriage, the reality of becoming a menopausal woman with a limited “time left on the planet” awareness has left me reevaluating the whole thing.
New Years came and rather than make resolutions…I chose to hang back. There was a shift. It wasn’t a hyper THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. It was a solid, calm; Changes needed to be made.
Things needed to be pared down and simplified in pursuit of what I really wanted my life to look like.
Frustrations with the reality of collecting the manager of animals we have and all the faults and uncomfortable realities of having so many pets and their interpersonal/psychological issues.
January and February have been amazingly productive in clearing out the spaces and donating/trashing or gifting the boxes and piles of items. The list of “I SHOULD” is getting pared down into the “I WANT TO” vs the “Its NOT gonna happen” piles.
I have been more consistent with some of the things I have deemed “should” that i want to do on a regular habit kind of way. I have learned that linking a new desired behavior to an already standing ritual habit seems to make it easier to keep the new one happening until it is a regular part of my daily/weekly repertoire.
I have also decided to limit my social media time. I disappeared into Facebook and other places with good intentions of learning more and helping others…I found i was also using it as avoidance to face the uncomfortable aspects of relationships and responsibility. In a series of events, I cut my friend list down by over 300 people/pages because as I examined them; What energy does this bring me? If it was stress or negativity or too much pumped up emotional interactions then OUT.
I have also begun facing the uncomfortable relationship issues. Spending the $32 a week for a TalkSpace therapist was such a gift to myself that helped me immeasurably to set this course of balance and growth. Speaking up and giving myself permission to tell people how I am really feeling about things.
2018 is turning out to be one of the best years…even if I have gray days of solitude and sorting through/examining the emotions that arise. Neither “good” or “bad” but more of the “where did that come from? when did that begin?”
Making plans to keep pushing forward to getting things accomplished but the balance of knowing that the timeline of life is getting shorter so I better make those things really count. No time to waste on stuff that doesn’t make me a better person for those around me.